End of year ramblings

As this year comes to a close like most folks I get reflective. I try to learn lessons from the experiences that I had. Trying not to repeat the same lessons over and over again is anew goal of mine.

I realized this year that I am my biggest critic. I talk and treat myself worst than anyone else (probably cause I'm with me 24/7.) I beat myself up so bad that if it was someone else doing it I would probably call the cops. As analytical as I try to be when I approach a problems I am (as much as I would like to deny it) emotional. Those (disgusted face) Emotions can overtake, drown, betray, and slowly kill me. I vow to be a cheerleader for me. To speak life to myself. To forgive me for ALL mistakes I make. To think about the positive. Most importantly to treat myself like someone I like.

Another lesson that I stumbled across this year is that disease is sometimes self inflicted. I am no holy roller nor am I a humanist but I am now a believer that we can make ourselves sick. This year has been eventful to say the least. I have cried til I puked. I have been in pain pill popping almost to point of overdose pain. I recently was diagnosed with hypertension when my BP was 208/102. All my adult life I always prided myself on have a low BP of 110/70 or lower. Needless to say those numbers scared along with the headaches, back pain, and nosebleeds scared the crap out of me. When I finally realized that I could be making myself sick I was horrified. I had worried myself into hypertension. Willed my back to spasm. I can't have that. I have Babies that need me. A husband whose loves me. friends that need my particular brand of wit to live. And a laundry list of places to go, lives to impact, and goals to accomplish. I can NOT have a stroke or be unable to walk or find myself in someones psychiatric ward. I can't. I won't. I refuse.
K <3 p="p"> 

Lines in the sand

 

For me

There is no middle ground

I either love you fully

Or I don't like you

I'm hot

Or cold

Not both

Trying to be friends

With someone Im in love with

Is heartbreaking

Nausea inducing

Mind fragmenting

And impossible

How can I hear about

Your latest conquest

When my heart is numb?

How can we talk on the phone

About the weather

Or sports

Or life

When your voice pierces 

Parts of my femininity 

That for years laid dormant?

How can we go have a drink 

When all I want to do is kiss you?

I refuse to lose my mind

Again

Over you

The line in the sand

That you drew

Beckons me to pick a side

As much as I love you

I love me more

IJS

Break ups Suck. I think when a relationship/situation is over one party, preferablely the one who did the breaking up, should be force to move to an undisclosed country, take a vow of silence, and have all their worldly possessions sold at auction where the proceeds are given the wounded party.
What?!?!?! It's just a thought. It's not law...
Shrugs
K

It's hard to argue

When it's right there in black and white

The End

K

Deafening Silence

I pour out my heart
In words and in prose
I am by nature a communicator
A teacher by trade
A writer by passion
I Can't hold what I think
Feel
See
Inside for too long
I am especially vocal
With those I love
I try to warn people about this early on
Because THIS is what I don't want to have happen
Your silence
was heartbreaking
Devastating
Confusing
Infuriating
And
Deafening
But today I finally heard
What you were trying to say
With your silence
It took me months
Of unreturned email
Phone calls
Text messages
Hell I even was tempted to write you a letter to be sent via snail mail
Your Silence
hurts
It will probably hurt for a while
But at least I heard it today
It told me in a loud clear voice
I
Don't
Love
Or
Even
Like
You
Today I was still enough
Quiet enough
Plugged in enough
To hear it
And for that I'm
Thankful
And
Grateful
To have this experience

Daddy

I wish a had a daddy in my life
To show me left from right
To just so me all the moves
And hip me to the rules
Of shit these niggas do
How to not read between the lines
How to decipher all the lies
How to wait and take my time
How they like their chicks in twos
Well then again I like that too
But right now I'm so confused
I dreamt I would end up on the news
That I busted up in his house
Put this burner in his mouth
Blow his brains out the back
Then kissed him on the mouth
Told him that I loved him
Then disappeared down South
But even in the dream
As I flee from the murder scene
He's waiting in the car
Saying just run away with me
In my dreams he's a beast
And a monster In them sheets
When I wake up to tears
And bad thoughts
I still wish I had a daddy
So I could read this Nigga's thoughts
Cause he got me so confused
Singing some Nina Simone blues
Drinking way too much booze
Cause I never have a daddy to
Tell me the hidden rules

Shattered

Left in this mess
Alone this madness
That two helped create
But Only one is here now
Picking up the fragments
Of what's left of
My mind, body, and heart
You who helped make
this mess to be
Is gone From Me
Off to cause damage
To someone else reality
I wish I could warn her
Like I wish someone
Would've warn me
Don't kiss him
Don't look directly into his eyes
Don't believe half of what you see
And believe none of what you hear
If you do you'll be here
With me
Trying to make sense of
Your shattered reality

Awkward Moments

1.When they won't call you back

2.When his girl calls your phone

3.When you are willing to wear the scarlet A on your chest and they don't even acknowledge they have feelings for you

4.When you ask yourself "what kind of dude would really do this type of ish?"

5. When you realize you have not prayed about anything but removing these feelings from your heart.

6. When he is suppose to be loving You but you find out it's like 20 of y'all

7. When you are literally having a nervous breakdown because of your feeling and they are out dancing.

8. When you realize I deserve better.

9. When you think "although I don't do drugs I must have been high that entire time"

10. When you trade in that joker for a King/Queen and then the joker wants to upgrade.

Moment of Clarity

Never exchange an 80/20 for an 20/80.
That's just not good math.

Listen

When I think about it
I knew I was heading down
The wrong road
Yet I still did it
I told myself no
Too many times to count
Prayed to God to take it away
And at that moment
Answered myself
Cause God has so many
Other prayers to answer
See it felt good
It felt different
It was passionate
Or that's how the Devil
Has me remember it
I allowed all of my temporary emotions
Make a permanent decision
But luckily right at the moment
When I was about to jump out
There I did hear from God
He was not to busy after all
He voice was loud and clear
No! Stop! Leave Now!
As I washed my hands in the bathroom
I looked around
Saw no one
And adhered to the warning
the morale:
Listen

Sunday Morning Musings

Clear mind
Clear heart
Clear soul
I have asked for forgiveness
I have forgiven myself
I have forgiven him
I will reach for only those that reach for me
My goals are set
I'm ready

And this must be how it ends

Amazingly clarity takes over
My heart or whatever is left in my
chestIs still beatingLife still goes on
As much as I want my pain to be feltBy the one who hurt meIt's not
No matter how I want to be loved
By Him It's not to beI must love meAs hardAs strongAs muchAs I desireAs I deserve

Today is Day One

Its hard not to think about "it"
I am trying to be strong
I am strong
but its draining
 to put all of you
 into
something
and get silence in return
No tears yet
at least so
I am proud

K

I refuse to play that role again

OVERSHARE Alert; This entire vacation has been such an eye opening experience. One of my mottos that I live by is that EVERYTHING happens for a reason but when things are revealed its just so extraordinary, painful sometimes, but extraordinary nonetheless.  When I left home I thought I felt something. Something real. Something powerful. Something that would turn my life up side down. But I guess I just had to shit. Moral of this little story. When you feel history repeating itself. Remember you can direct the future you can not alter the past. K<3

I'm HOW OLD??????????????

OMGosh
Where did the time go?
I weigh HOW Much?
What in the hell have I been doing?
Is that a gray hair?
Is my back always going to fill this bad?
I'm married? TO A MAN???? *faints*
My kids are how old?
I still have not finished school yet.
Its time to get it together
I need to make a plan
Yikes

What I Know Now

Loving You goes against everything I thought was right and true in this world Made me realize that I too was just Human Flawed And those Other Silly Girls as I once thought of them We are locked into a sisterhood Of Loving you and Not knowing How to stop Going against our better Judgement putting our Love in your hands and watching with tear filled eyes as you let it fall to the ground But we love you anyway Then I decided to disband the sisterhood or at least my part in it Because If I am to throw away All I have ever known It would be mutual you would love me as much or more than I love you And You Do and you shall and We are Us

For The Bible Tells me so

I just had a major Epiphany One awesome that in this moment I am still trembling I know the reason now that the Bible says we should not commit Adultery Have sex before marriage or Convent thy neighbors wife Its not some Weird attempt by God to keep us pure or holy or righteous its so that we don't have memories or images of what we want or think we want dancing around in our minds like prima ballerinas The mind our imagination and our feelings are a playground for us I don't think we should be left alone with out adult supervision What are eyes see what the ears hear our minds believe It may not be true or rational or moral but in our minds it is so

Borrow

Can I just borrow you I give you back in the morning I need just one night to have you No more No less I really need you want you I breathe you I taste you in my dreams Where things make sense to me If I promise not to tell No body Can you put your body On my body Could we pretend For just tonight That it's just You and I in this world No bills No jobs Gas ain't high as hell No inhibitions Or restrictions No rules No rationality Just you and me Would you like that?

Just Because

I love him whether I want to or not is irrelevant I just do His feelings for me are complicated Confusing and truthfully Not my concern I love him from a place of love not wanting any thing in return Loving him for the joy of it to Love a thing Because it exist is powerful freeing and yes at times heartbreaking Cause in the end We all want somebody to Love us despite ourselves But I Love Him because He IS Love itself is a gift to be given Just Because

The chase

Is it the chase?The chase is what makes it interesting isn't it?Perhaps it was never entirely a fair game cause he made me chase him knowing I wouldn't catch himbetter yet when I thought I was close to catching himHe changed the rules on me.Perhaps a chemistry this strong was never meant to be.Perhaps its just the chase that he enjoyedWhen I was falling in love with himHe was just playing the gameI would never change the rules up on himI would let him catch mehave meand all my complexitiesBut again its just the chase

What manner of fuckery is this???

I miss you Desperately I long for the touch Your lips against mine I dream of us locked In a rhythm of passion Struggle to remove you From my thoughts When you touch me I taste colors Sweet blues Sour blacks And salty whites You dance on my tongue Like golden cavair Rare and exotic I close my eyes And savor you For as long as I can Before I'm force to swallow After I'm left famished And saddened again My soul aches at our parting Your neglect of me Of my feelings My wants And needs Is not only heart breaking But Devastating And confusing Like I was imaging You wanting me And the kisses and moments We shared were mere figments Of my imagination I am not whole Without you My only question is What manner of fuckery is this

So Now What????????

What am I suppose to do now? Is the question that haunts my sleep the question that makes my stomach do flips mind racing no releif or answer in sight Wondering how I'm suppose to move on from this I know this take time but time is not a luxury at my diposal It at this moment I remember that every pleasure and pain has a reason attatched le sigh

A.Y.F.K.M

In my current emotional state Jill Scott Make me weep.. Not Cry WEEP.. In public, in private, and all places in between.. Jay-Z Makes me angry cause I use to have things but I know I don't and I use to be ok with not having but now I'm Not Biggie Makes me wanna kick in the door and wave in the 44.. On two people. One gets it cause I love them the other one because I love the first one.. Crazy I know Jaime Foxx Settles me.. A lil party a lil sex No Love.. I take full responsibility for my current predicament.. There is No One else to blame and trust me I have searched for someone else.. I have no clue as to the lesson in this mess. I wish it was more apparent but its not.. As Always I know that I will Land on my feet and I will be ok.. What am I suppose to do NOW is the question that haunts my sleep.. Xo K

I need a Hit

You are addictive
like the first potato chip
or the first crack pipe hit
or that first grand of trap money
You got me leaning
sniffing
and wishing
for another Dose of you


I dream of you
in color
nightly
Ravaging me or I you?
I dont know
I just see skin
hear moans
Feel my hands as they claw
for your heart through your back
and feel the heat of Us

Newly done hair dripping with sweat
Not caring
Eyes filled with tears
My lips ache for the touch of yours
Knees grow weak at the memory of you
Stomach has knots as big as economy sized cars
need to form a support group

I know there are others 

Feeling what I feel for you

Eyes open
I turn my head towards the clock
Its dark still dark
birds have not awaken to sing
Sun has not found its way to its proper place in the sky
but my heart is searching for you

I need a hit
but the dope man is gone
I text him
hoping to get more
of that raw
uncut
pure
good shit
but he said
my currecy
is no longer accepted
My line of credit rejected
declined
unwanted
damn

But I need a hit
quick
I'm fading
replaying
all of the events of us

Tears *STOLEN*

The truth of the matter is......somewhere in the world a woman is shedding tears OVER A MAN. Most women have had their moment. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day a woman is shedding tears over a man. Professional woman, teenage mom, college student and retired teachers alike have all shared the burden of caring so much for one person that without thought that person can bring you to the brink of tears. With a careless word, a callous hand or a thoughtless heart, we can go from STRONG, INDEPENDENT, WELL ROUNDED woman to a WILTED, HEAPING, MESS. Whether you shed your tears at home in the dark or let them flow freely for all to see, you know the heart wrenching pain of being hurt by a man that they loved so hard or even one that they cared for just a little.

AND for those who have not shared their tears, I say....don't worry, Someone has cried enough for you. To those blessed women, it pains me to say...your time is coming Maybe. Your nights filled with tears and days filled with thoughts will come before you know it.

But oh the good news! For every tear-filled night and dreary morning, you will have those days when you experience the Glory of God. You will have those days of waking up KNOWING that God has blessed you with great character, unbreakable spirit and a beautiful heart. If you are fortunate, you will not let the pain stop you from loving. Regardless of the pain, your heart, soul and mind was created to show the glory of God through love. Love hard, cry hard and allow yourself to be loved in return

Gone

I am not use the this
my feelings are usually
reciprocated
My expectations of what this would look like
don't quite match up to reality
As much as I want you
to have a special place in my world
My will is not that strong
You too must desire it

Here I am
my calls unanswered
texts get no reply
lips unkissed
scents of you not smelt
my thirst not quenched

Knowingly I stepped into this
Both eyes open but not seeing the signs
mind racing but clear
feet firmly planted in the foundation of your lies
Heart and other body parts
at your immediate disposal
where did I sign up for
this at?
What part of the invisible fine print
was this in?

I know without a shadow of a doubt
I am not the only one
vying for a position in your air
I don't pretend to know how
all of what I have planned for us is going to pan out
My mind and body have conspired against me
making you the only source of viability

I understand Now
that the S on your chest is there
for Good reason
You have powers that are
Magnetic
body tingling
and
mind consuming
But remember that with great Power
comes great responsibility