Forward

Dear Ki

I forgive you

For making the best decisions at the moment. 

For letting flesh rule you. 

You are only human 

You are allowed to make mistakes, to be overwhelmed, to have weaknesses. 

You can not go back in time to change or redo anything. 

The only direction to go in is forward. 

I release you from all past mistakes, errors, and poor decisions. 

I will deal with the consequences as they come and handle it all with a smile. 

I am better for life mishaps

And learned all the lessons to make better decisions today. 

I love you then. 

I love you now

I love you tomorrow.  

Stand up

I dove in to the deep end

Knowing I couldn't swim

Drowning and reaching out for you

Like I tend to do in these situations

Understanding that you would

Happily

Sit and watch me drown 

Having the power to save me 

But choosing not to

I knew this and yet 

I drove to the lake with you

And dove in

With the idea or assumption or hope

That we would swim together

As consciousness leave me

And I fade to the after life

I remember I'm bigger than this

And stand up

Mind control

All I ever wanted

From you

Was some reciprocity

That's it

Never wanted to marry you

Bear your children 

Be seen hanging off your arm

None of that

I just wanted to feel

Know and

Understand 

That if you said you loved me

It was just a follow up to all the deeds you had done

Now

What I want is to

Erase you

To Ctl Alt Del you out of my mind

To replace my knowledge of you with something useful

But

My philosophy of

Everything happens for a reason 

Leaves me confused

What was your reason 

What lesson was I suppose to get from our interactions

What knowledge did you impart into my life

Until then

I will hate you

For wasting my time

 

Oh really

So I was cleaning out my closets recently and discovered so old journals. As I read them something in me exploded (yes I'm a bit dramatic.) I could barely understand the meaning of it all. 

For years I've been wanting the exact same things, like for years. Not philosophical things like peace, love, joy, etc. Actual things like to finish my degrees or lose 50lbs or cuss less. Things that are achievable IF I put forth the effort. 

I use to be lazy. I'm not anymore <~~~ see what I did there?? Speaking the positive I've my life.  I want attainable things. And I will have them. 

I worked out today using a DVD that I'm sure was purchase by me in 2002. 2002!!!! Sheesh 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

💋

Groundhog Day

Today I turned 5. Not really of course although there is nothing wrong with acting 5 sometimes. See 5 years ago today, I was in the home I shared with my now ex and I heard a voice say "LEAVE!" And I left. 

See we had a troubled union fighting, emotional abuse, alcoholism, etc. we looked like an adorable lesbian couple but behind those doors was just craziness. We were both crazy. 

I had just moved back into the home a month earlier and on this day I knew it was time to go. 

Most folks would be shocked to hear a loud booming voice in an empty house. I was not. I knew it was the Holy Spirit. I heard the voice and said "ok. Give me a few months" See I had not money saved cause I just moved back from another state. Like how am I to leave with no money. I had help build that house. Paid for the cars in the drive way. I couldn't just leave as the voice stated. The voice then screamed loudly "ok if you don't. You or her or both will die" that surely got my attention. 

The last 18 months had turned violent. She begin to physically attack me. I would defend myself. She would cry. I would stare. She would lavish me with gifts and trips. For a while it would be ok. And then the cycle would repeat. 

The last fight we had in October of 2008 ended with me in the kitchen with a butcher knife in my hand fully prepared to stab her. Only me catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror and thinking "this is fucking crazy" made me put the knife down. 

I left shortly after running to the arms and bed of a woman who was pursueing me. But that is another story. Fact is I came back and now at 9am after a short conversation with a mysterious voice was leaving. And for good. 

I called a platonic friend in Maryland who was urging, begging me to leave. She was in Philly in record time. We put as much as we could into her car and I left. But not before taking a post it pad and writing little notes she would find. Notes that said. If we are meant to be we will be. I love you. I'm sorry. Be strong. Etc. 

when my cell rang at 445pm 2/2/09 with my exes name and number. I answered. She was on her way home and wanted to know did I cook or did I want to go to out to eat. I begin to sob. She said something like when you hugged me this morning I knew you wouldn't be there when I came home. 

And that's why I'm 5

Because I listened to me. The small voice inside. Which can get loud if it's important enough. 

I moved to Maryland with no job or money or plan just faith. 

I had a job in 2 weeks. 

Meet my husband whom I believe is a book in itself in 6 weeks. 

I fell in love with me on that day 5 years ago. 

And that's been the best thing. 

❤️