Deafening Silence

I pour out my heart
In words and in prose
I am by nature a communicator
A teacher by trade
A writer by passion
I Can't hold what I think
Feel
See
Inside for too long
I am especially vocal
With those I love
I try to warn people about this early on
Because THIS is what I don't want to have happen
Your silence
was heartbreaking
Devastating
Confusing
Infuriating
And
Deafening
But today I finally heard
What you were trying to say
With your silence
It took me months
Of unreturned email
Phone calls
Text messages
Hell I even was tempted to write you a letter to be sent via snail mail
Your Silence
hurts
It will probably hurt for a while
But at least I heard it today
It told me in a loud clear voice
I
Don't
Love
Or
Even
Like
You
Today I was still enough
Quiet enough
Plugged in enough
To hear it
And for that I'm
Thankful
And
Grateful
To have this experience

Daddy

I wish a had a daddy in my life
To show me left from right
To just so me all the moves
And hip me to the rules
Of shit these niggas do
How to not read between the lines
How to decipher all the lies
How to wait and take my time
How they like their chicks in twos
Well then again I like that too
But right now I'm so confused
I dreamt I would end up on the news
That I busted up in his house
Put this burner in his mouth
Blow his brains out the back
Then kissed him on the mouth
Told him that I loved him
Then disappeared down South
But even in the dream
As I flee from the murder scene
He's waiting in the car
Saying just run away with me
In my dreams he's a beast
And a monster In them sheets
When I wake up to tears
And bad thoughts
I still wish I had a daddy
So I could read this Nigga's thoughts
Cause he got me so confused
Singing some Nina Simone blues
Drinking way too much booze
Cause I never have a daddy to
Tell me the hidden rules

Shattered

Left in this mess
Alone this madness
That two helped create
But Only one is here now
Picking up the fragments
Of what's left of
My mind, body, and heart
You who helped make
this mess to be
Is gone From Me
Off to cause damage
To someone else reality
I wish I could warn her
Like I wish someone
Would've warn me
Don't kiss him
Don't look directly into his eyes
Don't believe half of what you see
And believe none of what you hear
If you do you'll be here
With me
Trying to make sense of
Your shattered reality

Awkward Moments

1.When they won't call you back

2.When his girl calls your phone

3.When you are willing to wear the scarlet A on your chest and they don't even acknowledge they have feelings for you

4.When you ask yourself "what kind of dude would really do this type of ish?"

5. When you realize you have not prayed about anything but removing these feelings from your heart.

6. When he is suppose to be loving You but you find out it's like 20 of y'all

7. When you are literally having a nervous breakdown because of your feeling and they are out dancing.

8. When you realize I deserve better.

9. When you think "although I don't do drugs I must have been high that entire time"

10. When you trade in that joker for a King/Queen and then the joker wants to upgrade.

Moment of Clarity

Never exchange an 80/20 for an 20/80.
That's just not good math.

Listen

When I think about it
I knew I was heading down
The wrong road
Yet I still did it
I told myself no
Too many times to count
Prayed to God to take it away
And at that moment
Answered myself
Cause God has so many
Other prayers to answer
See it felt good
It felt different
It was passionate
Or that's how the Devil
Has me remember it
I allowed all of my temporary emotions
Make a permanent decision
But luckily right at the moment
When I was about to jump out
There I did hear from God
He was not to busy after all
He voice was loud and clear
No! Stop! Leave Now!
As I washed my hands in the bathroom
I looked around
Saw no one
And adhered to the warning
the morale:
Listen

Sunday Morning Musings

Clear mind
Clear heart
Clear soul
I have asked for forgiveness
I have forgiven myself
I have forgiven him
I will reach for only those that reach for me
My goals are set
I'm ready

And this must be how it ends

Amazingly clarity takes over
My heart or whatever is left in my
chestIs still beatingLife still goes on
As much as I want my pain to be feltBy the one who hurt meIt's not
No matter how I want to be loved
By Him It's not to beI must love meAs hardAs strongAs muchAs I desireAs I deserve

Today is Day One

Its hard not to think about "it"
I am trying to be strong
I am strong
but its draining
 to put all of you
 into
something
and get silence in return
No tears yet
at least so
I am proud

K

I refuse to play that role again

OVERSHARE Alert; This entire vacation has been such an eye opening experience. One of my mottos that I live by is that EVERYTHING happens for a reason but when things are revealed its just so extraordinary, painful sometimes, but extraordinary nonetheless.  When I left home I thought I felt something. Something real. Something powerful. Something that would turn my life up side down. But I guess I just had to shit. Moral of this little story. When you feel history repeating itself. Remember you can direct the future you can not alter the past. K<3