Thursday, December 6, 2012

End of year ramblings

As this year comes to a close like most folks I get reflective. I try to learn lessons from the experiences that I had. Trying not to repeat the same lessons over and over again is anew goal of mine.

I realized this year that I am my biggest critic. I talk and treat myself worst than anyone else (probably cause I'm with me 24/7.) I beat myself up so bad that if it was someone else doing it I would probably call the cops. As analytical as I try to be when I approach a problems I am (as much as I would like to deny it) emotional. Those (disgusted face) Emotions can overtake, drown, betray, and slowly kill me. I vow to be a cheerleader for me. To speak life to myself. To forgive me for ALL mistakes I make. To think about the positive. Most importantly to treat myself like someone I like.

Another lesson that I stumbled across this year is that disease is sometimes self inflicted. I am no holy roller nor am I a humanist but I am now a believer that we can make ourselves sick. This year has been eventful to say the least. I have cried til I puked. I have been in pain pill popping almost to point of overdose pain. I recently was diagnosed with hypertension when my BP was 208/102. All my adult life I always prided myself on have a low BP of 110/70 or lower. Needless to say those numbers scared along with the headaches, back pain, and nosebleeds scared the crap out of me. When I finally realized that I could be making myself sick I was horrified. I had worried myself into hypertension. Willed my back to spasm. I can't have that. I have Babies that need me. A husband whose loves me. friends that need my particular brand of wit to live. And a laundry list of places to go, lives to impact, and goals to accomplish. I can NOT have a stroke or be unable to walk or find myself in someones psychiatric ward. I can't. I won't. I refuse.
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