Tuesday, October 15, 2013

In my mother's bathroom

I wish I could explain to somebody
What I'm feeling
What I felt
And what I would probably always feel for you
But most importantly
I wish I could properly expound on it to myself
It is literally beyond my comprehension
As I write this I'm sick
Literally sick
I'm trying to settle my mind and stomach 
Praying not think of you
Begging my food to stay down
But as usual 
I can not
I've erased all
Of our correspondences today
But not before reading them all 
One last time
Just to be sure 
I wasn't completely psychotic or confused 
And I not 
There were pages upon pages
Upon pages
Of mutually sent texts
And emails 
Expressing flirtation 
And love 
Dated 2010 to just a few days ago
I'm in awe of
Why I let you take me on a three year journey through hell
Trying to sort out 
what was in it for me
Other than you?
Was there a promise of money
Or some existential understanding? 
But none were found in those pages
I'm done
I've said it before
But I can not do this
I usually would write you a scathing email or text to convey my feelings
To which you would either ignore or discredit 
But in this quiet much needed moment of clarity found in the bathroom of my mothers house
With my head pressed against the cold sturdy and somehow comforting porcelain of her toilet where I just emptied out my breakfast
Is where I will let it out. 
I will strangely always love you 
For what you've shown me about me
And as I say you name one last time
I release you 

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