From now to forever

Surprisingly I'm here
Still
Emotionally compromised
Physically exhausted
Mentally unstable
Spiritually deficient
I want to blame you for this
I need to
None of this makes sense
Yet I knew it would happen
I knew this would be the outcome
You remind me of the others
I've done this before
Been here
Felt this
But this time is different
It will be the last time
I can't do this
I won't do this
Today I will start anew
Again
For the last time
I need to be whole
To be peaceful
To have love
And be loving
Today is a new day
The rain is falling softly
Cleaning my sins
Washing my mind of all evidence
Rinsing my body of hurts
Past
Present
Today I feel like I need to put all the love I desperately try to give to you to myself
Today I will move forward
Today I will forgive you and me for this mess
Today is the perfect day to start anew

Currently

I am Tired


I am Overwhelmed


I am EMOTIONAL


I am Failing at LIFE


I am ready to throw in the Towel


I want to crawl into my own Grave


I feel unable


I don't feel pretty


I am Losing the battle


Save me, Please

I want to help but....

I want to help her. I know she needs it. I can look at her face and tell. I can see her vying for his space. To be in his orbit. To be near his Sun. To feel the warmth of him over her to be reminded that she is alive. I've seen that look. I've seen that look in the mirror staring back at me with cold crazy loving Starstruck determined eyes. I've seen that look in others. I've laughed at them before I knew what that look was, where it came from, how it came to be, how you can get caught up in his orbit and Just Lose Yourself.
I want to help her I want to tell her don't. stop. breathe. no!!!
I want to make her see that he makes everyone feel like that. he makes Every Woman he encounters feel special. those hugs he gives that we can't get enough of he gives them to everybody.
everybody that he deems attractive.  everyone that he feels is cute or sexy or has a fat ass, or big breasts or nice hips or sexy lips.
I want to help her. I want to tap her on her shoulder and tell her no baby don't do this. you're not special. you're not the one. you are not the reason that he's going to smile and be better and be loving and return your calls or texts or be whoever it is that we think he's going to be when we love him.
he is incapable of love. he's incapable of feeling any feelings.
I want to tell her this. I want to help her. I wish someone had helped me. Tapped me, let me know what was going on.
I wish I wish I could stop her for me
Hell for all of us who are mesmerized. I want to tap her and say you don't know me but I am you.  I am Us.  I am and I was and will forever be imprinted by him because he is the Sun I was caught up in his orbit and I felt the warmth of him on my skin..
I've felt alive, hot and fresh and new but it's dangerous.  it's sad. it's lonely.
it's self-deprecating.  its sadistic.  it's more than anything you can imagine it to be.
please don't fall down that rabbit hole. Cause it is dark down there and no one knows you're down there but other women are down there and you think he's going to jump down there and save you and pick you and see you then love you and be with you and have this moment but he won't his heart is dark
maybe it's the darkness that we're drawn to.. maybe it's the fate of all women to make things right and bring light  and life into situations.. and then some people just like pain. but he cannot be saved.. he likes it there... he likes the darkness.. he likes the women and the money and the spot light.  he loves that the whole room stops and hearts break and it's him he knows it's him. He knows that it's him. He feels it deep inside. He knows that he is master of this universe. He knows he is the Sun.
I want to tell her this that I can't.. I can't tell her because I belong to someone else someone who won't take kindly to the fact that I know what it's like to be on the Sun and that I liked it and that I wanted it and that I had it..
and that sometimes at night or  in the morning or in the afternoon my skin wants to be warm by his Sun. I know that  the real Sun the one that hangs in the sky in this universe is a fake Sun... it's not the  warm, flesh tingling Sun.. it's not mind-blowing Sun. it's not.
but I can't tell her this...I want to.
I need to do it.. It would make me feel better to know that I have spared another sister, another woman, another strong, loving person from feeling like this. empty unwanted and unloved... I want to help her but I can't.. 

Where does the time go.. I am shocked that it's been a year.. I'm shocked that I'm where I am, going through the same shit.. I'm happy to have been able to log in to this website.
I'm back
#YouCare
#OkBye

Yup

Forward

Dear Ki

I forgive you

For making the best decisions at the moment. 

For letting flesh rule you. 

You are only human 

You are allowed to make mistakes, to be overwhelmed, to have weaknesses. 

You can not go back in time to change or redo anything. 

The only direction to go in is forward. 

I release you from all past mistakes, errors, and poor decisions. 

I will deal with the consequences as they come and handle it all with a smile. 

I am better for life mishaps

And learned all the lessons to make better decisions today. 

I love you then. 

I love you now

I love you tomorrow.  

Stand up

I dove in to the deep end

Knowing I couldn't swim

Drowning and reaching out for you

Like I tend to do in these situations

Understanding that you would

Happily

Sit and watch me drown 

Having the power to save me 

But choosing not to

I knew this and yet 

I drove to the lake with you

And dove in

With the idea or assumption or hope

That we would swim together

As consciousness leave me

And I fade to the after life

I remember I'm bigger than this

And stand up