And Honesty too

The intruding alarm woke Honesty James out of a wonderful dream. She brushed her chestnut locs out of face and peeked at the 

clock. 5:15 glowed at her in the darkness. "Oh shit" she mumbled. Her new work out plan would have to wait til the next week. 

As she beckoned sleep to come her way she thought about the caramel dream she meet at Cup and Saucer coffee shop two days before.  Troy was the name his smooth voice echoed as they chatted while waiting for their drinks to be made. 

She had never seen a specimen like him before. 6'5 the color of light and sweet coffee, bald headed, a smile to light her way out of the darkness. She literally shivered when their hand touched when they exchanged business cards. 

It had been 5 years since Jeff broke her heart along with her nose, right arm, and 3 ribs. After 2 years of counseling and therapy she moved to Miami shortly after. 

And Troy seemed like just the right way to get her feet wet well not just her feet

That's that shit I don't like

So after having pretty major surgery and being out of work for 5 weeks without benefit of short term disability (because of my company's size) I return to work two weeks ago ready to hit the ground. I was working my ample butt off.

So imagine my surprise yesterday at being fired... Womp Womp

Really?

And the cherry on top, "we were going to let you go in July but didn't want the stress of having no job impede your recovery."

The Fuck??

Words

Things said

Like I love you

I need you

I want you

Be mine

Love me

Are all music to my ears

IF they come out of the mouth I desire

However when words

And actions 

Are polar opposites

I still stay

For a while

Cause I have hope

That you are 

Who you say you are

That you will do

What you say you will do

That your word is your bond

This is a slippery slope

We're on

To slide one way is to deny our instincts

That tug between us

That Everyone feels when they mention one of us around the other

To slide the other is a sin riddled, lie filled, alibi making up, lustful, carnal, foolish, and Joyous ride

To stay grounded where we are is just dumb how much longer can we do this?Months? Years?  Decades? 

I ever the nonconformist have decided just hours ago to take option to jump off this cliff with the only one who has shown in words and deeds they care for me 

Me

And I will love me

Need me 

Want me

Cause my word is Bond

I'm goin goin back back to Nappy Nappy

Maybe

Maybe the things I want

Are just fantasies

Figments of my active imagination

Maybe this love thing is suppose hurt

I'm suppose to cry like this

And feel this way

Maybe

I just don't get what I want

Or what I need for that matter

Maybe the things I desire aren't for me

Maybe I'm just a lesson for him

But maybe just maybe

It's all apart of the plan

Preparing me 

For everything I've ever dreamed of

End of year ramblings

As this year comes to a close like most folks I get reflective. I try to learn lessons from the experiences that I had. Trying not to repeat the same lessons over and over again is anew goal of mine.

I realized this year that I am my biggest critic. I talk and treat myself worst than anyone else (probably cause I'm with me 24/7.) I beat myself up so bad that if it was someone else doing it I would probably call the cops. As analytical as I try to be when I approach a problems I am (as much as I would like to deny it) emotional. Those (disgusted face) Emotions can overtake, drown, betray, and slowly kill me. I vow to be a cheerleader for me. To speak life to myself. To forgive me for ALL mistakes I make. To think about the positive. Most importantly to treat myself like someone I like.

Another lesson that I stumbled across this year is that disease is sometimes self inflicted. I am no holy roller nor am I a humanist but I am now a believer that we can make ourselves sick. This year has been eventful to say the least. I have cried til I puked. I have been in pain pill popping almost to point of overdose pain. I recently was diagnosed with hypertension when my BP was 208/102. All my adult life I always prided myself on have a low BP of 110/70 or lower. Needless to say those numbers scared along with the headaches, back pain, and nosebleeds scared the crap out of me. When I finally realized that I could be making myself sick I was horrified. I had worried myself into hypertension. Willed my back to spasm. I can't have that. I have Babies that need me. A husband whose loves me. friends that need my particular brand of wit to live. And a laundry list of places to go, lives to impact, and goals to accomplish. I can NOT have a stroke or be unable to walk or find myself in someones psychiatric ward. I can't. I won't. I refuse.
K <3 p="p"> 

Lines in the sand

 

For me

There is no middle ground

I either love you fully

Or I don't like you

I'm hot

Or cold

Not both

Trying to be friends

With someone Im in love with

Is heartbreaking

Nausea inducing

Mind fragmenting

And impossible

How can I hear about

Your latest conquest

When my heart is numb?

How can we talk on the phone

About the weather

Or sports

Or life

When your voice pierces 

Parts of my femininity 

That for years laid dormant?

How can we go have a drink 

When all I want to do is kiss you?

I refuse to lose my mind

Again

Over you

The line in the sand

That you drew

Beckons me to pick a side

As much as I love you

I love me more