More than

I am not just pussy

I am soul food and eye candy 

I am the soft sweet voice telling you the things you need but don’t want to hear

I am the heart of this union

I am the dollar stretcher when times are tight but you’ll never feel lesser 

I am Oshun I can double whatever you give me, even in misery

I am Power

I am thick warm thighs on cold nights

I am your friends saying “Damn that’s you man?”

I am home to you

I am the hood you escaped from and the suburban utopia you crave

I am yin to your yang

I am comfortable in strip clubs, your grandmas church, and the state dinner. 

I am a citizen of world 

I am emotional 

I am soulful 

I am femininity 

I am the prize 

I am the reason you smile when you look at your phone 

I am discernment 

I am self sufficient 

I am joy 

I am shy

I am more woman than you thought you can handle and in me every woman you’ll ever need 

I am a savage 

I am growing 

I am the entire package 

I am honest

I am communicative 

I am your private porn star

I am soft enough to cuddle with yet hard enough to lean on

I am your Rib

I am the deluxe apartment in the sky after the scratching and surviving 

I am your favorite song on repeat

I am goals

I am comfort from this mean world

I am prayer partner, sage lighter, and light healer

I’m with da shits

I am the heavy hitter

I am the money getter

I am the truth spitter

I am more than just good pussy

So now tell me what are you besides dick?

eclipse

Just days after the eclipse
as the galaxy's was realigning itself
I found a new planet
A place I will call Home
for the foreseeable future

I dropped my possessions 

on the cool brown surface
the air here is so rare
that I struggle to breathe

and feel constantly lightheaded

My eyes are feasting on so many new wonders
as I walked around
I met a man

Maybe he is My Adam in this eden

or maybe just a traveler searching for pieces of him

as I was searching for pieces of me

either way he took my hand

looked into my soul 

and without words

he told me to follow him

and I did

Happily

Sometimes

sometimes its all just to much
I'm not asking for the world
Or vast sums of money
I'm asking to be Loved
But if you want something done right
Do It yourself

Things Fall Apart

I stared at this blank page, teary eyed, for at least 10 minutes. Things fall apart. Marriages break up. People leave. Jobs go. Health declines. Love ones die. What I know for sure is that things do fall apart.. They have always fallen apart. they always will fall apart.. The good news is that I know that when things fall apart they always seem to come back together.. Always teaching me something new and necessary.
 
Doesn't mean I don't hurt though

I'm Honest and all My Hoe's is Honest

So I will keep my word and post today


I am a work in progress
Try every day not to throw in the towel
To be present
To maintain my sanity
In a world that tells me daily that I am
unworthy
not pretty
not enough
But here I am
Being Dope as Fuck


~
MrsKiKiDawn

and sometimes

I had a friend once. He was sweet, funny, and amazing.
Our friendship took a wrong turn
I miss him
I would like us to be friends
Sometimes we get what we want
And Sometimes we don't or shouldn't

The End

Today

Today is just a good a day as any to start..


<3 p="">

From now to forever

Surprisingly I'm here
Still
Emotionally compromised
Physically exhausted
Mentally unstable
Spiritually deficient
I want to blame you for this
I need to
None of this makes sense
Yet I knew it would happen
I knew this would be the outcome
You remind me of the others
I've done this before
Been here
Felt this
But this time is different
It will be the last time
I can't do this
I won't do this
Today I will start anew
Again
For the last time
I need to be whole
To be peaceful
To have love
And be loving
Today is a new day
The rain is falling softly
Cleaning my sins
Washing my mind of all evidence
Rinsing my body of hurts
Past
Present
Today I feel like I need to put all the love I desperately try to give to you to myself
Today I will move forward
Today I will forgive you and me for this mess
Today is the perfect day to start anew

Currently

I am Tired


I am Overwhelmed


I am EMOTIONAL


I am Failing at LIFE


I am ready to throw in the Towel


I want to crawl into my own Grave


I feel unable


I don't feel pretty


I am Losing the battle


Save me, Please

I want to help but....

I want to help her. I know she needs it. I can look at her face and tell. I can see her vying for his space. To be in his orbit. To be near his Sun. To feel the warmth of him over her to be reminded that she is alive. I've seen that look. I've seen that look in the mirror staring back at me with cold crazy loving Starstruck determined eyes. I've seen that look in others. I've laughed at them before I knew what that look was, where it came from, how it came to be, how you can get caught up in his orbit and Just Lose Yourself.
I want to help her I want to tell her don't. stop. breathe. no!!!
I want to make her see that he makes everyone feel like that. he makes Every Woman he encounters feel special. those hugs he gives that we can't get enough of he gives them to everybody.
everybody that he deems attractive.  everyone that he feels is cute or sexy or has a fat ass, or big breasts or nice hips or sexy lips.
I want to help her. I want to tap her on her shoulder and tell her no baby don't do this. you're not special. you're not the one. you are not the reason that he's going to smile and be better and be loving and return your calls or texts or be whoever it is that we think he's going to be when we love him.
he is incapable of love. he's incapable of feeling any feelings.
I want to tell her this. I want to help her. I wish someone had helped me. Tapped me, let me know what was going on.
I wish I wish I could stop her for me
Hell for all of us who are mesmerized. I want to tap her and say you don't know me but I am you.  I am Us.  I am and I was and will forever be imprinted by him because he is the Sun I was caught up in his orbit and I felt the warmth of him on my skin..
I've felt alive, hot and fresh and new but it's dangerous.  it's sad. it's lonely.
it's self-deprecating.  its sadistic.  it's more than anything you can imagine it to be.
please don't fall down that rabbit hole. Cause it is dark down there and no one knows you're down there but other women are down there and you think he's going to jump down there and save you and pick you and see you then love you and be with you and have this moment but he won't his heart is dark
maybe it's the darkness that we're drawn to.. maybe it's the fate of all women to make things right and bring light  and life into situations.. and then some people just like pain. but he cannot be saved.. he likes it there... he likes the darkness.. he likes the women and the money and the spot light.  he loves that the whole room stops and hearts break and it's him he knows it's him. He knows that it's him. He feels it deep inside. He knows that he is master of this universe. He knows he is the Sun.
I want to tell her this that I can't.. I can't tell her because I belong to someone else someone who won't take kindly to the fact that I know what it's like to be on the Sun and that I liked it and that I wanted it and that I had it..
and that sometimes at night or  in the morning or in the afternoon my skin wants to be warm by his Sun. I know that  the real Sun the one that hangs in the sky in this universe is a fake Sun... it's not the  warm, flesh tingling Sun.. it's not mind-blowing Sun. it's not.
but I can't tell her this...I want to.
I need to do it.. It would make me feel better to know that I have spared another sister, another woman, another strong, loving person from feeling like this. empty unwanted and unloved... I want to help her but I can't.. 

Where does the time go.. I am shocked that it's been a year.. I'm shocked that I'm where I am, going through the same shit.. I'm happy to have been able to log in to this website.
I'm back
#YouCare
#OkBye

Yup

Forward

Dear Ki

I forgive you

For making the best decisions at the moment. 

For letting flesh rule you. 

You are only human 

You are allowed to make mistakes, to be overwhelmed, to have weaknesses. 

You can not go back in time to change or redo anything. 

The only direction to go in is forward. 

I release you from all past mistakes, errors, and poor decisions. 

I will deal with the consequences as they come and handle it all with a smile. 

I am better for life mishaps

And learned all the lessons to make better decisions today. 

I love you then. 

I love you now

I love you tomorrow.  

Stand up

I dove in to the deep end

Knowing I couldn't swim

Drowning and reaching out for you

Like I tend to do in these situations

Understanding that you would

Happily

Sit and watch me drown 

Having the power to save me 

But choosing not to

I knew this and yet 

I drove to the lake with you

And dove in

With the idea or assumption or hope

That we would swim together

As consciousness leave me

And I fade to the after life

I remember I'm bigger than this

And stand up

Mind control

All I ever wanted

From you

Was some reciprocity

That's it

Never wanted to marry you

Bear your children 

Be seen hanging off your arm

None of that

I just wanted to feel

Know and

Understand 

That if you said you loved me

It was just a follow up to all the deeds you had done

Now

What I want is to

Erase you

To Ctl Alt Del you out of my mind

To replace my knowledge of you with something useful

But

My philosophy of

Everything happens for a reason 

Leaves me confused

What was your reason 

What lesson was I suppose to get from our interactions

What knowledge did you impart into my life

Until then

I will hate you

For wasting my time

 

Oh really

So I was cleaning out my closets recently and discovered so old journals. As I read them something in me exploded (yes I'm a bit dramatic.) I could barely understand the meaning of it all. 

For years I've been wanting the exact same things, like for years. Not philosophical things like peace, love, joy, etc. Actual things like to finish my degrees or lose 50lbs or cuss less. Things that are achievable IF I put forth the effort. 

I use to be lazy. I'm not anymore <~~~ see what I did there?? Speaking the positive I've my life.  I want attainable things. And I will have them. 

I worked out today using a DVD that I'm sure was purchase by me in 2002. 2002!!!! Sheesh 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

💋

Groundhog Day

Today I turned 5. Not really of course although there is nothing wrong with acting 5 sometimes. See 5 years ago today, I was in the home I shared with my now ex and I heard a voice say "LEAVE!" And I left. 

See we had a troubled union fighting, emotional abuse, alcoholism, etc. we looked like an adorable lesbian couple but behind those doors was just craziness. We were both crazy. 

I had just moved back into the home a month earlier and on this day I knew it was time to go. 

Most folks would be shocked to hear a loud booming voice in an empty house. I was not. I knew it was the Holy Spirit. I heard the voice and said "ok. Give me a few months" See I had not money saved cause I just moved back from another state. Like how am I to leave with no money. I had help build that house. Paid for the cars in the drive way. I couldn't just leave as the voice stated. The voice then screamed loudly "ok if you don't. You or her or both will die" that surely got my attention. 

The last 18 months had turned violent. She begin to physically attack me. I would defend myself. She would cry. I would stare. She would lavish me with gifts and trips. For a while it would be ok. And then the cycle would repeat. 

The last fight we had in October of 2008 ended with me in the kitchen with a butcher knife in my hand fully prepared to stab her. Only me catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror and thinking "this is fucking crazy" made me put the knife down. 

I left shortly after running to the arms and bed of a woman who was pursueing me. But that is another story. Fact is I came back and now at 9am after a short conversation with a mysterious voice was leaving. And for good. 

I called a platonic friend in Maryland who was urging, begging me to leave. She was in Philly in record time. We put as much as we could into her car and I left. But not before taking a post it pad and writing little notes she would find. Notes that said. If we are meant to be we will be. I love you. I'm sorry. Be strong. Etc. 

when my cell rang at 445pm 2/2/09 with my exes name and number. I answered. She was on her way home and wanted to know did I cook or did I want to go to out to eat. I begin to sob. She said something like when you hugged me this morning I knew you wouldn't be there when I came home. 

And that's why I'm 5

Because I listened to me. The small voice inside. Which can get loud if it's important enough. 

I moved to Maryland with no job or money or plan just faith. 

I had a job in 2 weeks. 

Meet my husband whom I believe is a book in itself in 6 weeks. 

I fell in love with me on that day 5 years ago. 

And that's been the best thing. 

❤️

Muah

All kisses mean different things

There is a kiss for everything

Don't go

Hurry back

I love you

I've missed you

I want you

I need you

Keep going

Faster 

Harder

Softer

And some kisses mean 

Good Bye

Like that one did

Haikus

If you want it fast

It probably won't be good

So choose wisely friends



 

You are not a friend
You dear are an enemy
Dressed in friends clothing


I used to Love you
Feel Deeply Nightly for you
What was I thinking?

Somtimes I tell you 

What I choose to get a true

Reaction from you

To dump or not to dump from 2008

I always end it

Always

Never the dumped

Always the dumper

I mean really 

Why drag it out

If I don't get what I want

I'm out

Why stay

Why prolong 

Why be even the slightest bit unhappy

Life is short

Moments are to be savored 

Memories are beautiful 

Pain is not